Alder's Tone

Two things really. Remember from the HCC post that the Fat Lady cries when I'm nice, when I'm trying to get a chalk-up, when I'm not trying to get a chalk-up, at anything really.

Last week saw a predicted chalk-up, the reference to her having done something amazing in the week 37 round-up brought about a small flow. This week's chalk-ups weren't predicted at all.

Gordon Ramsay. Fucker. For anyone not watching "The F Word" on Channel 4 recently, Gordon has had two pigs in his back garden for a while now, with the intention of rearing them, then cooking them. Last night saw their slaughter. As a meat eater I'm going to go into detail on this one, as it was more than a bit harrowing to watch it.

Presenters of "What Not to Wear"He called them "Trinny and Susannah" after the presenters of "What Not to Wear". Over the course of the series Trinny and Susannah have featured on an almost weekly basis to show their progress.

So, last night the kids said their goodbyes. Gordon was there at the slaughter, and was clearly upset by it - whether this was seeing how it happens, or just that it was Trinny and Susannah I don't know.

A pair of tongs are held across the head of the pig and an electric current passed through the brain until the animal is dead, then it is hoisted by its back legs and throat slit open. As the blood drains it sounds like it is grunting, which is air bubbles passing back through the draining blood. All the while the pig is twitching, as if struggling, and this was a concern to Gordon. These are involuntary actions, the pig was already dead.

On to the bath, scalding hot water removes the hair and a few layers of skin, then the plug is removed (guts, bowels, the full digestive route from tongue down), only then does it resemble a carcass of meat rather than a dying animal.

Needless to say, the Fat Lady was blubbing behind a cushion while this was on the go. My reaction at seeing that healthy pig's life end was echoed by Gordon's just a few seconds later - "fucking hell". There's no way as a meat-eater I can think about that being the way it happens, just the end product. In all fairness the mass-produced meat will be a far worse process than this, Trinny and Sussannah were slaughtered at a small specialist abattoir.

So that was chalk-up number 1. But then we started talking about it later, and that resulted in number 2. And the rest of the night is so clouded it may have been number 3 or 4 as well. The other one is pregnancy related...

During delivery the chances are a first time mum will tear. That's what we got from Liz, the midwife, from yesterday's ante-natal class. To ease this, make is less likely, or a smaller tear, the perineum should be massaged and stretched in the last few weeks. This, in theory, makes it more elastic and easier to stretch for the baby's head to pass down the birth canal. Last night the Fat Lady is doing her 2 minutes of constant pressure followed by 3-4 minutes of massaged stretching. And as she took a short break of no more than a couple of seconds, I hinted at a "30 second penalty". Only breathing exercises brought the sobbing and hyperventilating to a close.